So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
