so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
