I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
