At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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