I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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