I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
