How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
