Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
