I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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