the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
