I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
