Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just high enough for therapy.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
