I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
