How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just tell him i said nine months
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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