I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
