Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
someone owes me an orgasm
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
