im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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