the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
