Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
