TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
