Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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