I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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