I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
