TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
