how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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