Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
