Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
