My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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