I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
