dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
