i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
