I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
