there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
