i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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