I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
