Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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