just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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