He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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