i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
