Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
