Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
so much tequila, so little girl.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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