I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
it glows. i had to have it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
