I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
