my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
