Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I could have mohawked her pubes.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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