distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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