I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
