did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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