Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
