$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
