her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
