she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
