John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
