I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
