I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
